"Why Questions"

Question: The raising of a doubt or objection to something. This is quoted from the New Oxford American Dictionary. This is only one of many definition of the word, but it is the one that I sadly hear when I am asked a question.

While I have been educated as a scientist, an engineer, this linear element doesn't enter into my perpetual upset about most questions. I can answer without resentment " how do you determine the Fahrenheit temperature when you know the Celsius temperature?" Perhaps I know the answer, perhaps I don't, but the question doesn't upset me.

When I'm asked, "Why are you wearing that tie with that shirt?" all I hear is "you moron, no one with any taste would wear that tie with that shirt, so tell me how come you have no taste?" I have said that the person asking the question is not really asking a question, but rather making a covert statement of disagreement about the tie and the shirt. He or she could have said that they didn't think that the tie went with the shirt, but instead, they asked a question about the combination.

Now having said that, I realize that my attitude to this sort of thing is not great. I end up getting upset by the question, and as a rule I reply in a hostile way, such as "why don't you come by every morning to pick out my shirts and ties, in that you know all there is to know about these things?" I don't like the question, and I don't like my answer. Even in a calm, disassociated moment, all I can think of is "so how come it's a question, and not a statement?" I could say that perhaps I made a mistake this morning, or thank the person for their help, or in my most hostile and rotten way, " thank you for sharing that". In any event, I would be annoyed. The solution for me is not "why do I get annoyed", but rather how do I handle this when it comes up?

When I was in New York last week, I was meeting my friend Reese at Michael's restaurant on 55th street, a very trendy place. It was near 90, with the humidity near 100% when I came into the restaurant. The very beautiful hostess, who knew me from my prior visits, welcomed me with the words "Mr. Horowitz, how nice it is to see you, Are you having lunch with Reese, and why do you have a jacket over your arm? I expect it was not an unreasonable question, and all I could react to was, "You putz, how could you possibly carry a jacket on a day like today?" Of course I did not smile and ignore the question, and just tell her how pretty she looked, but I did not. I did however respond, " are you really my mother, or is it that you're hanging out with women who are mothers, because that's the kind of question my Mother would ask? I then said that it was often very chilly in restaurants in the summer, and that's why I had a jacket. Nevertheless, I reacted badly.

The same thing happened after dinner Friday night, and at paddle tennis yesterday, which was the question why did I have a jacket when it was so warm? Each time, all I heard was some derivative of what I considered to be " boy are you stupid to have a jacket today.

I have been divorced for over 15 years. My then wife was a machine dedicated to asking questions. She was a decent woman, caring and interested in things, and asking questions was a large part of her life. If we were going to dinner with friends, before she dressed, she would hold up two different outfits, and strike fear in my heart by asking "which one do you like better?" Not an unreasonable question, but that was only the start of an "event" If I replied," the blue one", one of two possible wrong answers, it would be followed by "why, and what's wrong with the red one?" "The red one is nice too", but that was not an acceptable answer, I learned after a few centuries that there was no acceptable answer available, and I was dealing with a woman who took ambivalence to a new level. If we went from Encino to Beverly Hills and I took the freeway, the obvious question was "Why are you taking the freeway?" If I went on local streets, the question varied to "Why don't you go on the freeway, or is there a reason that you don't take the freeway? I learned that if a person asks a question out of ambivalence, there is no satisfactory answer. One night we stopped for dinner, and my wife said she needed help with something, and I was the one to help her. She struck fear in my heart when she went on to ask, " What do you think about my friend Joyce" It occurred to me that I could pretend to have a heart attack. Or perhaps faint, in that I knew that my life would soon come to an end. There was no safe answer as the truth police was on duty, and I could not fake it, or get away with an elusive answer I resorted to what most Jewish men do very often, I begged not to answer her. She went on to say if she couldn't ask me, whom could she ask? I was tempted to suggest the waiter, but I thought better of it. I knew that she couldn't kill the waiter, and my life would be in jeopardy if I gave the wrong answer. I knew that there were only wrong answers available to me, and the trick would be to choose the lesser of the wrong answers. Sadly, my life almost did come to an end that night, as she didn't approve of my answer, and became furious with me because of my answer, even though she asked for it. The next day at paddle tennis, when I told the guys of my conundrum, Sam had the answer. He said that when a woman asks a question like that, the best course of action is to leave the restaurant immediately, and say your going home and then take a cab, and lock yourself in the bathroom, and do not come out until your wife withdraws the question. He went on to say that however much trouble you would be in for doing what you did would be much less then the trouble you will have by answering the question.

There are simple variations to the question theme. Bob, why didn't you take out the garbage? Bob, please take out the garbage. Bob, why do I always have to ask you to take out the garbage? Bob, you know how much it upsets me when you don't take out the garbage, and no matter how many times this happens, you continue to ignore me and my feelings. I can deal with the direct "Take out the garbage", but the other statements make me crazy, which is not very difficult anyway. How about, "It upsets me that you don't take out the garbage", or "You bum, get off your ass and take out the garbage". It is the impossibility of replying to the dreaded "why" question, that makes me want to run and hide, lock myself in the bathroom, or strangle the person asking "why".

I've noticed that Moms will very often say to their 5 year olds "Bobby, why are you picking your nose?", "Why don't you stand up straight", or "Why are you hitting your sister", instead of "Bobby, stop picking your nose, stand up straight, and don't hit your sister". Certainly not all mothers do this, but I expect many do. I'm all grown up, and couldn't reply without hostility to the question "Norman, why aren't you standing up straight?" Is it possible for a 5 year old to answer why he's picking his nose? I'm sure that Dads ask the same kind of questions, but as a rule they are not around as much, so it's much easier for them.

I do wonder why I'm writing this, and I can hardly wait for someone to ask "Norman, why did you write this article?" If someone asks, I need to start thinking about my reply, and say something other then why don't you just piss off?

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